Horror-on-Sea mocks me once again with an incredible line-up of films I can’t watch

I often get asked if I’m going to this or that film festival and the answer is invariably no. I don’t go to film festivals. I would love to, but I have a day-job and a family, and consequently I have neither the time nor the money to go to festivals. But if I could go to just one, it would be Horror-on-Sea, which is stuffed full of great movies and most of my friends. Here’s what I will be missing over the weekend of 22nd-24th January 2016:

• Definition of Fear (James Simpson) - Four beautiful girls at a charming holiday cabin. But all is not what it seems…they are not alone 
• Banjo (Liam Regan) - A young man is manipulated by his imaginary friend to take revenge on his tormenting co-workers
• Survivors (Adam Spinks) - A virus sends the UK into a state of emergency. Without laws, how far would you go to survive?
• The House on the Witchpit (Pat Higgins) - World Premiere! No advance details: This is ‘Secret Cinema’, Pat Higgins-style! Just be amazed!
• The Snarling (Pablo Raybould) - World Premiere! A village hosts the cast and crew of a zombie film. But the horror turns real…
• Nina Forever (Ben Blaine and Chris Blaine) - Nina, Rob’s deceased girlfriend, returns to torment him whenever he has sex with his new girlfriend  
• Bacchanalia (Gary Meyer) - A wine tasting turns into wicked, murderous debauchery, with the morning after still to be faced [Formerly The Winedancers - MJS]
• Cleaver: Rise of the Killer Clown (Mj Dixon) - In 1990, Carlton the Clown slaughtered his unfaithful wife and her lover. Now ‘Cleaver’ is back…
• Art of Darkness (Steve Laurence) formerly Art House Massacre - A lunatic is hell-bent on transforming a captive woman into his latest blood-splattered masterpiece

Plus all these British shorts:

• FestEvil (Paul Taylor) 
• Lab Rats (David 'dwyz' Wayman) 
• Terry and Brenda (Jamie Hooper) 
• The Wager (Joss Maines) 
• Blanche Dumas from B to Z (Walter Martyn Cabell) 
• Red Wolf Pines (Mike Tack) 
• Beyond Redemption (Andrew Gilbert)
• Cephalopod (Lewis Peake)
• The Weird World of Molly Brown (Molly Brown)
• The Man Who Walked Too Far (Peter Bluck)
• Blue Moon (Martyn Pick)
• The Outer Darkness (Ben Franklin and Anthony Melto)
• Cyme Styrung (Alex Wylie)
• Slaypril Fools Day Part V: The Last Laugh (Mj Dixon)
• Stained (Phil Haine) 
• Beachcomber (Richard Elson)

Plus some great non-UK stuff including Debbie Rochon’s Model Hunger.

And then the next weekend, just to rub it in, there’s all this too:

• The Apostate: Call of the Revenant (Andy Dodd) - A man is found with four bodies. Flashbacks and interviews slowly piece the story together
• My Horrible Love (Charles Edmond) - Four foul mouthed family members attempt to settle their differences at a caravan park in Essex
• Hollower (Mj Dixon) - Agoraphobic Nathan keeps to himself. When he meets Izzy something awakens…something evil

And a load more non-UK stuff including Dave Campfield’s hilarious Caesar and Otto’s Paranormal Halloween.

I hope you all have a great time. If any of the film-makers want to send me a screener, I'd love to watch it. On my own,